ME! ; It's Nice To Have A Friend ; Daylight ; I Forgot That You Existed ; Cruel Summer, by Taylor Swift in Lover album, 2019

What's inside your heart and head now
When your own mother called you "dog", the way she ever mentioned your stepmother. When you do good for her, love her much. But she had done it only because you had a house now. When she had not yet on her own. When you thought she'd be delightful to receive that that house would be hers too. And she could stay there too.

When your own mother scratched your skin on both of your hands, blaming you would steal money of hers from her wallet away, when you would only try to harm that, if she felt this house was ever being mine only, then please give back the keys you have for this house. When what you do thw whole life is saving money for good only, not using money for the unimportant things, looking for money of your own, even when you still had a college schedules. What would you feel to see your mother that highly loving things than knowing it hurts to be thought of intending to steal her money, about her own daughter. Did she forget everthing good we had? Or maybe I have been all alone. That she would never care about that, and feeling being your mother has been already the big things in her life.

When your own mother woke you up in a morning, just to blame that you did a drug abuse for not sleeping in the night even after having the trip of going to cities, Malang Surabaya and back to Malang, when all you did at night was a struggle, a fight, to just finish your Holy Al Quran daily reading target and not to fall asleep until Tahajjud and Shubuh prayers had been done, when she is not really a fan of doing the prayers routinely. What would you feel, to see your mother being a fan just to hurt you. Using whatever she could find to use.





What I felt about her was a contradictory thing. I once believed and sure I would lie on her. Now, I know that I would not consider her as a hope for me or someone to rely on. If I'd die first, and she'd still dream to have her death fate about one hundred years later, then I would accept her bad things she did, and she still does.


I had some conclusion last year, it is beautiful not to know or just to forget who I am. Who my father is, who my mother is. Just who I am or who I was from my family.


My father also, suddenly, cheated on me, without my acknowledgement assuring an unknown boy to me just to put pressure on me to accept him to marry him. What would my father think of me? A trash? An unused thing to throw and give shrug about that violence he did? Or was or is he trying to kill me?


You know what is on my mind now, I guess. I would not ever hear anyone again. Whom I love, is who is meaningful to me. I do not care that he is my father, she is my mother. It is me who faces my life, so it is me who knows more, and knows what my life would go into, or is going to be like.

I would go on my life with the good things.


Lufi Wirmarini Lukman, 18 October 2019, 21:22 Indonesia's West area Time.